I am with joy, I have strength to outlast every attack. Overcome every obstacle, defeat every enemy.
Pain is the most tangible feeling, that bitter taste, feel every time I swallow, and the aftertaste reminding me that’s its gone but it stays there, waiting I swallow and I relive it again.
Pain who made this ugly thing? That manifest itself in my life when what I want, what I need is to be silly happy.
Pain , do I have to feel it, do I have to? does it have to become a part of me. Does it have to control a part of me, I cherish my heart?
I remember knowing you first , with tears, and hopeful tomorrow you would be gone, I remember cheerful encouragement full of bravery, courage that tomorrow I would feel you no more.
Each day i awoke hopeful, I returned to the same bed with more tears than yesterday, each time with more pain than yesterday.
I still held on that miserable black pit feeling it manifest in other ways to disappear, and yes it did, by forcing me to choose to try and forget it all that pain, all those terrible nights asking why me? Why my heart feel live it would tear in pain and yet in little ways it did.
I asked if I pain coz of love then why should I love.
If I pain coz I care I would care no more.
If I pain coz I share in laughter, then I laugh no more.
Laughter is wine for the soul – laughter soft or loud and deep tinged through with seriousness – the hilarious declaration that is made by man that life is worth living.
If I pain coz am kind, I shall be the meanest bitch ever.
If I pain coz I open up to listen, then I don’t want to listen.
I ran away from you pain , I hid in places I would be able to you, a truth that I would die in a heartbeat than face a lifetime with.
Without pain, how could we know joy? This is an old argument in the field of thinking about suffering, and its stupidity, and lack of sophistication could be plumbed for centuries but suffice it to say that the existence of broccoli doesn’t in any way, affect the taste of chocolate.
Then I asked myself, with love , with love of a soul, of a human being who I saved to give everything to be part of their life, to die to see them I would have conquered you pain.
I formed a life , cared for her, loved her, smiled with her. I felt you less, I cared for you less. Her beautiful smile , her touch , every cry filled my heart , with love, joy and I wanted to give her all could coz she gave me a life worth living.
We turn to God for our help when our foundations are shaking only to learn that it is God shaking them.
How many times I lied to myself ?Just to think of the possibility you will no longer be in my life , that my heart shall in time belong to me.
I have no heart, I have nothing to love with, nothing to make me a human being. What I am, and who I am is a collection of pain, a series of pain that is never ending?
John 16:22- no one will take away my joy. No circumstance can take my peace. No interruption can take my enthusiasm.I have to give it away.
I ask myself, you have taken my love , my sweetheart, my heart, my hope, my faith, why you keeping me alive still?
Truth be told you know I have plenty to look forward to, but your monkey brain thinks how positive is pain supposed to be? How negative do you want me to pretend?
The last straw was Calixta and yes you have lots of things you can , and will do. But I tell you this, however of a shell my heart is am victorious, coz of Christ Jesus, He defeated you. Not me.
I Corinthians 13:6 –Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth, Love never gives up; and its hope, faith and patience never fails.
By his salvation, am able to stand and say, you’re defeated.
Christianity is not a message which has to be believed, but an experience of faith that becomes a message.
You can see my heart, that is a shell of its previous warm heart loving self.
You have devoured my love, my love that which is life itself and I have no life of my own.
And yeah! I do have Jesus Christ, he is my life, he gives me life. Coz I cannot be able to live for myself I cannot have the strength, the courage, commitment, truth,compassion,acceptance. By his grace, by his love he has all those things for both of us.He has so much of them I am always full of them even when you think that my heart is a black hole.
I lean not on my own wisdom, I lean on the wisdom that Jesus Christ my personal savior will always lead me to the best choices.
Psalms 94:18 I said,” I am falling”
But your constant love, O lord, held me up
Whenever am anxious and worried
You comfort me and make me glad.
Today I feel you no more, your nothingness is just but a vacuum, Jesus Christ is my everything he feels me with everything.
He is your opponent he wins, he conquers you all the time , coz he can and I am with him.
You pain make me the firmest of all believers, you make me have faith even a little as a mustard seed. Then Jesus My Lord and personal savior magnifies: my faith, my strength, my believe. I cannot be without him, him who is the conqueror of you pain and your nothingness.
Ephesians 5:13 and when all things are brought out to the light , then their true nature is clearly revealed; for anything that is clearly revealed becomes light. That is why it is said,
“Wake up, sleeper,
And rise from death,
And Christ will shine on you.